2019 Election Special
British politics is in crisis. Questions of sovereignty, social order and the nature of parliamentary democracy dance like embers in the air. A nation, deadlocked, turns to the polls in the hope of forging the first link in the chain that will bind a bright new future.
However, one issue in particular has predominated the moment. It has divided the electorate sharply in two and cost three successive governments their glittering prize. It would be impossible to discuss the forthcoming election without laying out the positions of the major parties with respect to this singular matter - who's got the best font?
When I wrote my ridiculous, platitude-ridden opening paragraph I didn't expect to predict the actual Conservative election slogan. It's probably not a great idea to run under a banner that gently hints at your prior failures, but luckily enough for our current government - words don't matter.
Today I'll be judging this cabal of pathetic, cowardly, moronic, outwardly fascist coke fiends not on their criminal abuse of the parliamentary system to crash the UK out of a complicated and crucial withdrawal process, but on their choice of font! I'm being civil.
Like Boris Johnson himself the Conservatives have gone with something striking but chubby - Mirai Black. This font is best recognised from the posters of a hundred miserable Adam Sandler comedies... which seems apt.
This is a font perfectly made for vaguely optimistic slogans about rebuilding a better Britain/banning food from buses for some reason. 3 STARS!
With all the raw rhetorical power of a substitute Geography teacher, Corbyn's Labour have gone for the tediously literal and offensively comma-less: "For the many not the few". Presumably this slogan is intended as a populist call to arms and not as the veiled threat to the backbenches it obviously is.
This is where, in the false appearance of balance, I would throw digs at Labour's policies if I knew what they were.
Angular, tall and commanding in all the ways they aren't, Labour have adopted Brown Gothic Ultra as their font of choice. Is this perhaps a secret hint of a return to the policies of Gordon Brown? Is it a reference to the CIA mind control experiments MK Ultra? Is this COMMUNIST ANTISEMITE planning to STEAL THE DREAM OF BREXIT from your VERY HEAD? Hopefully. 4 STARS!
Scottish National Party
Making a mockery of the already-very-wide aspect ratio I choose to crop my images to, the SNP have resolved to isolate Nicola Sturgeon as far to the right of the stage as possible in every photo I could find of their stupid conference. "Hope", aye? I hope you like me judging your entire font from just four characters.
Who are the SNP? What is Scotland? It might surprise some of you to find out that the UK actually continues on north of the M25! In any case the yellow team brings its usual strong font game back this year with Sensibility Black.
Squat and powerful with a cheeky flick over the A and N, this is a font masterfully selected to make the word SCOTLAND look as rad as possible from every angle. Subliminally associating Scottish independence with being sensible is just the icing on the cake of this delicious font choice. 5 STARS!
Fuck. I mean... write your own joke here I guess?
Collapsing in upon itself like a dying star, the Liberal Democrats deftly parleyed being minority partner in a coalition government into political near-annihilation. Now this black hole of Orange Book mediocrity threatens to consume every defecting MP and swing seat in its path. A fifth ex-Tory MP joined them as I was writing this! [link]
I think they're using Rehn Extrabold but it's hard to tell because it's really similar to like 8 or 9 other fonts. I guess my problem with the Liberal Democrats' font is that I don't know who it's supposed to appeal to. It just comes across as a formless remix of other fonts, trying too hard to be inoffensive. I am doing what's known in the journalism biz as a 'subtle metaphor'. 1 STARS!
Democratic Unionist Party Nope
Gay marriage is good, actually.
Change UK - The Independent Group (for Change [UK])
Oh boy, The Independent Group for People Too Lame to Join the Liberal Democrats. There's no way this merry band of jobbers are going to survive an election but I couldn't write this article without bringing up their TRULY AWFUL branding.
Starting life as the self-destructively named 'Independent Group' - formed from right-leaning ex-Labour MPs and left-leaning ex-Conservatives, this breakaway party took a bold stand in favour of the status quo and fighting against what it claimed was extremism from both sides. This legally-not-a-party of avowed centrists rebranded themselves 'Change UK', presumably to annoy me personally, in the run up to the European elections that they promptly lost.
This minor colossal setback broke the four-month-old group into two very uneven pieces: the first, consisting mostly of ambitious Blairites, naturally gravitated towards the Liberal Democrats - taking most of TIGs donors with them; the second smaller piece split once again into 'The Independents' (an even shorter-lived group that ended up, you guessed it, as Liberal Democrats) and the five chuckle-fucks you see at the top of this section.
Perhaps a group of egotists that stand for nothing beyond not getting deselected by their local party was doomed from the start; but I think we all know what's really to blame.
Roboto is the default font of the 2010s; created for Android 4.0's minimalist UI - since 2013 it's been Google's stock font in all its online services. By extension, the font has become the de facto typeface for all digital typography. Roboto is the new normal against which all deviation is measured. It's the font you're reading right now. YOU CANNOT MAKE YOUR BRANDING OUT OF ROBOTO!
Yes, running in the EU elections as a hashtag was stupid idea. Yes, Angela Smith (Lib Dem) calling black people 'a funny tinge' harmed their reputation. Yes, the awful monochrome logo makes you want to slit your wrists but... ROBOTO?! ARE YOU INSANE? Which Soho PR company dickhead signed off on that?
No stars, 0 STARS! Fucking basic-ass, stock font having, village fete looking loser motherfuckers.
I mean what the fuck? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?
Bebas Regular. 2 STARS!
So, given this exciting array of tantalizing typography, just who comes out ahead in the all-important aesthetic contest that is the 2019 General Election?
Labour. It's Labour. I mean... Jesus.