I Cannot Wait for VE Day
In a week's time we celebrate our defeat of Europe in the World War 2 and I simply cannot wait.
The hope that England's Hero, the tattered war nonce - Captain Major Tom Moore, runs The Queen through with a bayonet as the country finally sinks beneath the waves is the only thing keeping me going.
I want the Red Arrows to crash into my home and Mary Berry to bake my smouldering corpse into a pie in the shape of Winston Churchill's smiling face.
I want to join Boris Johnson, arm in arm, in a rousing rendition of We'll Meet Again and when he goes for the big note, dive inside him to become part of his glorious, wet body.
Sit me down in front of the telly and burn every last thought from my mind with the incandescent glow of Del Boy falling through the bar on an infinite loop. Flay my retina with the image of David Jason's comedy apotheosis...
"YOU PLONKA RODNEY", I'll scream, blood pouring from my lungs.
The virus can only kill my mortal body but my eternal spirit will be lifted up to BRITISH HEAVEN where I'll eat chicken pakora with Margaret Thatcher until entropy devours the universe and all that's left of anything is a cold, dark cloud in the shape of St. George's cross.